Sent from my phone

Oh, was that email sent from your phone? Well, that changes everything. Thank god you mentioned it, even if it was tacked onto the end of your email like an afterthought. Perhaps I should go over the whole thing again in light of this revelation.

Oh, right. You told me because you think writing emails on phones is somehow more difficult and the end result might be not as good.

Well, it looks the damn same as any email to me. It used the same damn tubes. Maybe you should just harden up and learn the hell how to punctuate when typing with thumbs. Yeah, that’s plural. If you’re still pissing about with one-thumbed typing, don’t come bitching to me that you’re sending from a phone. You’re barely even using the thing properly. Fix that before you start proclaiming to the world that you have a problem with the most ubiquitous technology in the developed world, or just fix up your signature so it’s more accurate, like “Sent by a lazy fuck.”

Oh, and while we’re here, at what point did your soul collapse to the point where you were happy to be a human fucking billboard for any giant corporation that happens to slap a touchscreen onto a piece of plastic? I do not need to know which company made your phone. I seriously do not need to know which model of phone it is. And I have zero fucking interest in whether they have trademarked that model name. Seriously, ™? In your signature?

Or, if you’re truly committed to this bullshit, then I expect you to sign off every phone call, every text, every damn iota of communication you ever have with the same damn tagline. What pen did you use? Was it a felt tip or biro? What model payphone? What email software? Which version of that software? What’s that? You don’t give a fuck?

Damn straight.